I like to challenge the localized thinking of individuals to make global change

Posts tagged ‘life’

Internal Conversations

“You look so sad.”  Her words cut through my thoughts like a butcher knife.

“Huh?!” Oh, no I’m fine.”  Still a little dazed, I absentmindedly began gathering the used tea bag and sugar packets off the table.

She reached out her hand to accept my trash. “Would you like another hot tea?” She asked.

“Um, no..no thanks…I think I’m good.”  “Uh, who are you?”

“I can tell you have something on your mind.  Why don’t you let me help you.” She completely ignored my question.

“Help me with what?” I asked.  Trying to appear perfectly calm.

“Decisions like these are difficult, but you already know the answer.  You’ve always known the answer.  Trust yourself.”  She laid her hand on my shoulder and it felt chilling yet eerily familiar.

“I’m not sure,” I stuttered, “I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.”  Wait, I suddenly realized she knew what I was thinking.  “How do you know…”

“Just trust yourself.” She said quickly and walked away.

Just then Randy, my waiter, walked up.  “Can I get you another hot tea?” He asked.

“What…where..the young lady, where’d she go?” I asked Randy, frantically looking around.

“Excuse me?” he said

“The waitress I was just talking to, where’d she go.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, I’m the only server here at the moment.”

 

 

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Why I need to Retire My Cape

“It’s Handled has been my mantra long before Scandal and Pope and Associates became the latest and greatest television phenom and addiction.  Whenever someone close to me fell into a situation, I entered my virtual phone booth changed into my superhero cape and came to the rescue.  I wore the white hat.  I had a compelling need to right the wrong, straighten the crooked, and strengthen the weak.  Even if I didn’t have an immediate solution, I didn’t rest until every stone was turned and every option explored.  I was the FIXER!  And if it didn’t get solved or fixed it wasn’t due to lack of trying and commitment on my part.  Commitment on MY part….don’t let that one get by you.  You see the problem was, in most cases, I was the one who was committed to a solution.  And, unlike Olivia Pope, my “clients” didn’t come to me.  I made the decision that they needed fixing even when they didn’t think they were broken.  I decided what the problem was and thereby had control over what the solution should be.  I……are you noticing the trend here?!  It was a “me” project and not really about the other person.  I needed to fix someone else so I could feel whole.  I needed to be the problem-solver so I would feel important and accomplished.  I’m not saying the problems didn’t exist, I’m saying that they weren’t mine to solve.  I was the one who made it my personal business once someone simply confided in me about their struggles, needs, frustrations, wishes, desires, dreams, to make it happen.  Oh there were a few times when I was asked to intervene directly, but most of the time all I needed to see was the proverbial “Bat” sign in the sky and I came running.

So why retire my cape now?  Well, after many years of sleepless nights, restless days, tears that shouldn’t have been mine, and coming of age wisdom, I have realized that the many battles that I fought and lost where not mine to begin with.  Not only that, I was a rescuer in need of a rescue.  My emotional load had become so heavy that the weight of it all landed me in a personal black hole.  I cried out for help and silence was the answer.  I began to question why, with all that I did, failure was the continued result.  These became my failures.  I was counting them at night like sheep but they weren’t lulling me to sleep.  On the contrary, they were making me lose hair, gain weight, get angry because things just weren’t working out the way they were supposed to.  Why were people not following my script?!  Well, the answer to that became crystal clear one day when I sat back and realized that I had created the characters to perform in scenes that would produce a plot and tell a story but never asked anyone to read the script or audition for the parts.  This had become my very own Play, Movie, Sitcom, Drama, and Reality Show.  I was the only one who knew what was supposed to happen.  I was the Writer, Producer, Director, and Star of my own delusions.  I decided that once I became involved in the situation, everything would evolve into a happy ending.  Well, guess what?  When you work harder on someone else’s goals and dreams than they do, the result is never a happy ending.

So here I am with a completely different outlook.  One that makes me the Writer, Producer, Director, and Star of my own Reality.  An outlook that now gives me peace and helps me move forward from day to day.  This outlook has brightened my days and lightened my load.  I still own the cape and will never completely give up the white hat, but they are safely tucked away for a specific time and purpose.  That time when the need is real and the outcome is truth.  So if you don’t see me running to the rescue every time my “Spidey Sense” starts tingling, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I do care enough to stay out of the way of the real Super Heroes in life and be okay with it not being me.

LWG

Say What You Need to Say

Sooo….I allowed some thoughts and ideas to swirl around in my head this morning about what today’s blog would be about and….Nuthin!!  

Well, that’s not entirely accurate, I first thought about the senseless murder of a community business owner earlier this week and how everyone spoke of how nice this man was.  Endless comments have been uttered about his kindness, his sense of humor, how much they enjoyed going in his store because he always had something to say to them, how he knew everyone, and how long he had been a fixture in the community. I really didn’t want to focus on this very sad tragic event but then I thought of the three friends that I have lost over the last few months. I went to their services and listened to everyone speak about their endearing qualities and how much they will be missed and the first thing that came to mind was this song that I heard during a commercial or something that said “say what you need to say.”  This made me wonder.  Do we take the time to tell those who mean something to us how much we care about them?  Do we tell them how we consider them a friend or loved one and how much they have impacted our lives?  Do we say what we need to say?  It’s wonderful to cherish the memories of those we have cared about, loved, and lost, but how sweet it would be if the words are spoken while they can still be music to their ears.

How many people live their lives being a light in someone’s day without going out of their way to do anything special; they are just being who they are; but being who they are means the world to someone who may not get a kind word, thought, or deed sent their way any other time.  That person isn’t looking for accolades or applause but just to know that someone appreciated what they did or who they were would certainly go a long way in encouraging them to continue even during those times when they are the ones who need to be lifted up.

Life is but a vapor; a fleeting moment that is here and then gone in an instant….Say what you need to say to anyone you need to say it to.  Don’t wait for the candlelight vigil in their honor.  Let them know now so when all is said and done and they are gone from this life, you will know that you said exactly what you needed to say exactly when you needed to say it.

LWG!

Disappointment

Disappointment.

Disappointment

Disappointment is as much a part of life as breathing.  I have learned that no matter what the vision, there will always be some challenges, roadblocks, and detours along the way.  Now this is not to say that the vision will not still come to life, just that the way we see it may be skewed a little based on circumstances.  I have had enough of these to almost consider myself an expert.  My expectations with plans have consistently been thwarted by some unforeseen event or a decision or choice that I made along the way that caused me not to be in the best situation for success.  Once again I find myself in the cloud of disappointment and as comforting as it would be to just give up, I somehow find an ounce of determination to try try again.

While this may seem like a work of futility, I would feel more of the failure if I allowed disappointment to determine my fate in life.  I know that there is a perfect plan for my life and I continuously sabotage it by seeing what I think is right for me and getting ten steps ahead of the plan.  Slowing down has never been a method of living for me because I’m afraid I will move so slow that it will eventually look like I’ve stopped.  However, slowing down or even stopping just for a moment to really take in all that I’ve done and how horribly wrong it has turned out may be just the action that is needed to get on track.

I’m always expecting something that looks really easy to be just that and I don’t understand why it works so well for others but turns out to be another pit fall for me.  The fact of the matter is that I am trying to fit my square peg into someone else’s round hole (hmmmm…that sounds suspect).  Let me clarify, I am looking on the outside of myself and seeing what I think should be my life instead of looking at who I am and realizing what is my life.  I create my own disappointments because I think what I see in others should be what works for me.  This revelation hopefully will be the ending of so many disappointments and the beginning of truly living my honestly authentic life.

Peace and Blessing

L.W.G.

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