I like to challenge the localized thinking of individuals to make global change

Posts tagged ‘revelation’

Why I need to Retire My Cape

“It’s Handled has been my mantra long before Scandal and Pope and Associates became the latest and greatest television phenom and addiction.  Whenever someone close to me fell into a situation, I entered my virtual phone booth changed into my superhero cape and came to the rescue.  I wore the white hat.  I had a compelling need to right the wrong, straighten the crooked, and strengthen the weak.  Even if I didn’t have an immediate solution, I didn’t rest until every stone was turned and every option explored.  I was the FIXER!  And if it didn’t get solved or fixed it wasn’t due to lack of trying and commitment on my part.  Commitment on MY part….don’t let that one get by you.  You see the problem was, in most cases, I was the one who was committed to a solution.  And, unlike Olivia Pope, my “clients” didn’t come to me.  I made the decision that they needed fixing even when they didn’t think they were broken.  I decided what the problem was and thereby had control over what the solution should be.  I……are you noticing the trend here?!  It was a “me” project and not really about the other person.  I needed to fix someone else so I could feel whole.  I needed to be the problem-solver so I would feel important and accomplished.  I’m not saying the problems didn’t exist, I’m saying that they weren’t mine to solve.  I was the one who made it my personal business once someone simply confided in me about their struggles, needs, frustrations, wishes, desires, dreams, to make it happen.  Oh there were a few times when I was asked to intervene directly, but most of the time all I needed to see was the proverbial “Bat” sign in the sky and I came running.

So why retire my cape now?  Well, after many years of sleepless nights, restless days, tears that shouldn’t have been mine, and coming of age wisdom, I have realized that the many battles that I fought and lost where not mine to begin with.  Not only that, I was a rescuer in need of a rescue.  My emotional load had become so heavy that the weight of it all landed me in a personal black hole.  I cried out for help and silence was the answer.  I began to question why, with all that I did, failure was the continued result.  These became my failures.  I was counting them at night like sheep but they weren’t lulling me to sleep.  On the contrary, they were making me lose hair, gain weight, get angry because things just weren’t working out the way they were supposed to.  Why were people not following my script?!  Well, the answer to that became crystal clear one day when I sat back and realized that I had created the characters to perform in scenes that would produce a plot and tell a story but never asked anyone to read the script or audition for the parts.  This had become my very own Play, Movie, Sitcom, Drama, and Reality Show.  I was the only one who knew what was supposed to happen.  I was the Writer, Producer, Director, and Star of my own delusions.  I decided that once I became involved in the situation, everything would evolve into a happy ending.  Well, guess what?  When you work harder on someone else’s goals and dreams than they do, the result is never a happy ending.

So here I am with a completely different outlook.  One that makes me the Writer, Producer, Director, and Star of my own Reality.  An outlook that now gives me peace and helps me move forward from day to day.  This outlook has brightened my days and lightened my load.  I still own the cape and will never completely give up the white hat, but they are safely tucked away for a specific time and purpose.  That time when the need is real and the outcome is truth.  So if you don’t see me running to the rescue every time my “Spidey Sense” starts tingling, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I do care enough to stay out of the way of the real Super Heroes in life and be okay with it not being me.

LWG

Disappointment

Disappointment.

Disappointment

Disappointment is as much a part of life as breathing.  I have learned that no matter what the vision, there will always be some challenges, roadblocks, and detours along the way.  Now this is not to say that the vision will not still come to life, just that the way we see it may be skewed a little based on circumstances.  I have had enough of these to almost consider myself an expert.  My expectations with plans have consistently been thwarted by some unforeseen event or a decision or choice that I made along the way that caused me not to be in the best situation for success.  Once again I find myself in the cloud of disappointment and as comforting as it would be to just give up, I somehow find an ounce of determination to try try again.

While this may seem like a work of futility, I would feel more of the failure if I allowed disappointment to determine my fate in life.  I know that there is a perfect plan for my life and I continuously sabotage it by seeing what I think is right for me and getting ten steps ahead of the plan.  Slowing down has never been a method of living for me because I’m afraid I will move so slow that it will eventually look like I’ve stopped.  However, slowing down or even stopping just for a moment to really take in all that I’ve done and how horribly wrong it has turned out may be just the action that is needed to get on track.

I’m always expecting something that looks really easy to be just that and I don’t understand why it works so well for others but turns out to be another pit fall for me.  The fact of the matter is that I am trying to fit my square peg into someone else’s round hole (hmmmm…that sounds suspect).  Let me clarify, I am looking on the outside of myself and seeing what I think should be my life instead of looking at who I am and realizing what is my life.  I create my own disappointments because I think what I see in others should be what works for me.  This revelation hopefully will be the ending of so many disappointments and the beginning of truly living my honestly authentic life.

Peace and Blessing

L.W.G.

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